I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
