two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
