Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
