barbara walters just said penis...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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