Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
