either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
