hotel room ftw
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
