Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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