I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
