what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
