I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
