I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my shit smells like andre
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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