the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
