I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
