I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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