how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
