If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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