my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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