Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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