I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
