I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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