Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
