You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You can't special order awesome
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
