I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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