my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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