Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
