I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So many bounce houses so little time
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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