Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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