Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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