the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
