my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
