cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
