So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
