you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
