i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
