i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
