Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
