just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
