Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
