True but thats because hes a fetus.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
