you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
