i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
