whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
