i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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