Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
