I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
