dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
