grandma shit on top of the toilet
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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