i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
