My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my poor anus
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
