Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
