I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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