i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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