remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Found your dick twin last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
