so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
