Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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