Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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