Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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